You've Got it Easy!

December 5, 2025

There are a lot of things that irritate me about this world. Mostly, technology. Yes, the same stupid thing I'm using here to get my point across. Hey, listen, I would gladly write a column every day for the local newspaper, but they don't exist any more! And those that have held on look more like a pamphlet written by a MAGA extremist who photocopied it at the local library and is handing it out at the mini-mall. So, alas, here I am.

I miss the days when I would open the front door and ask my beloved Lucy Dog to go get the paper for me. In exchange for a bone, I got my morning news. I brewed a pot of coffee, drank the whole damned thing, smoked a few cigarettes and read that paper from front to back. Then, that was it. The paper went in the recycling bin and I went on with my day. If I did watch the evening news later that night, it was only because something big was going on. Otherwise, after work or school, I was in the yard doing shit! Cutting the lawn, swimming in the pool, playing stickball or horseshoes with my friends and neighbors.

Unfortunately, I find myself glued to my phone with every spare moment I have. What did Trump and his goon squad do today? Did the Yankees make a trade or sign a new player? What stupid transactions did the New York Rangers make since I last looked at the phone ten minutes ago? Is the Dow up or down? Why do I keep looking? I wish I could jam this stupid phone into the recycling bin like I used to with the morning paper. Go back out into the yard and swing the old stickball bat and crush the ball into the neighbor's yard.

Yes, we're all guilty of this. Funny thing is, if you're reading this, it's most likely on your phone! BTW, the website looks much better on your laptop...just saying! All kidding aside, what bothers me most though, is when somebody doesn't return a text message. And I know I always bash Millennials and Gen Z types, but you're the worst at this! If you think I'm on my phone too much, these kids have had it surgically implanted onto their bodies. They can't put it down! They can't walk in the park without it in their hands at all times. So when I send a text and they take two weeks to respond it makes me want to rip out what's left of my hair! And trust me, there's not a lot left, so that's saying a lot!

You've got it so easy. If you want to bail out of something, you just send a text. "Hey, I'm not feeling great, maybe next weekend?" You don't even have to call any more and put on your Oscar winning "I'm sick" performance. Just a few quick key strokes and you're out of going to whatever it was you are avoiding. Because, most likely, you just want to sit on your couch and scroll through endless loops of news tailored just for your liking by some AI bot. Yes, I am a cranky old man dreaming about the good old days of beer that tasted like beer and hitting backyard homeruns that are still a part of neighborhood lore...yes, I did hit the neighbor's house and I was the only one to ever do it!

So please, after you read this, put down the phone. Go outside and breathe in the brisk winter air. Go for a walk and leave your stupid phone in your pocket. Or better yet inside your house...remember, that's where they used to live. You know, on your kitchen wall? There was an answering machine that picked up when you weren't home...when you were out doing fun stuff with your friends, or your beloved Lucy Dog. Yes, it is time to disconnect people, and reconnect with the world around you. That is, unless I send you a text. Then fucking take two seconds and respond...even if it is just a "thumbs up" emoji. That's right, you don't even have to frigging type a response any more! Arggggghhhhh!

Okay, that's enough of my caterwauling, my yard is calling me. The sun misses my face. The squirrels are wondering where the hell I am. I'm coming! Hold on to your horses, as my mom would say. I'm on my way.

Emoji this, punks!