Spare a Square?

April 7, 2026

By Ray DeGraw

Well, we've all been there. Don't deny it. You finished reading the morning headlines. You're three cups off coffee in, and you've just taught the toilet a lesson it won't soon forget! You're light as a feather now, you're on that caffein high and you're ready to take on your day. The world is your oyster! Then you look to your left and realize the bind you're in...there is no fucking toilet paper!

Okay, don't panic, you say to yourself. There is surely the back-up roll in the medicine cabinet, let's take a look see. Mother fucker! Nothing! Who was the last asshole in here!? Pun intended! Oh, wait, there are those "flushable wipes" that clearly say on the front that they are flushable...until you read the fine print on the back that clearly states, "under no circumstance should these ever be flushed down a toilet!" Really?

Panic begins to set in, you sit and brainstorm your next move. Wait, maybe there is a unopened box of Kleenex in the cabinet over the sink. It's not ideal, but in a pinch, it will do. With your pants around your ankles you do the frog walk to the sink to find you have been foiled yet again. It's the tail end of cold and flu season, and the spring flowers are starting to pop. That extra box was used up two weeks ago.

You've been defeated. You now have three choices. You can hop in the shower, I suppose...but what a hassle. Or maybe ruin a perfectly good pair of underwear? No, you know what you have to do. Yes, the unthinkable. You must call you wife to rescue your sorry shit stained ass. Yes, you now have to maneuver your way to the door, carefully open it a crack and stick your pathetic hand out and wait for your soulmate to save the day. The two of you trying ever so hard to avoid eye contact, or God forbid, she sees the state you are in. That's one that gets burned in, a "take to the grave" sort of image!

She holds her breath, to spare her from the chaos your bowels have wreaked on the poor bathroom. She closes her eyes and hands over the roll as if she was running the 4x400 relay at a track meet. Ah, success! The handoff is complete, the door is closed. The ass, now cleaned! I can see the finish line in the distance! The rest of the family cheering me on as I complete the race! It is time to wash the hands and start my day.

There is no soap left! Time to do the icky walk to the kitchen sink. No high fives! No fist bumps please! Ewwww, ewwww, ewwww! Holy shit! There are no paper towels left! What the hell is going on around here!?

Anyone have an old Sears catalogue around?