The Last Laugh

March 17, 2026

By Ray DeGraw

The year was 2005. My tail was between my legs as I was living back at Mom's house yet again. Although, this time, I was saving money to buy a house. I was living the dream, playing the part of Sam Malone, tending bar in a small Irish pub and loving every damned minute of it. My friends and I started a blog called the Liberal Phoenix, and other than this current moment of time in my life, was the most engaged I had ever been in my writings.

We were enraged at the time of George W. Bush and his gaggle of right wing maniacs taking over the Whitehouse after eight glorious years under the tutelage of one Bill Clinton. Sure, he loved to dip his pen in the proverbial company ink, but man could that guy lead! And talk about balancing a budget...holy shit balls, this country was flying high. Then of course we had the whole hanging chad thing in Florida and the "excitement" of Al Gore. But before I travel down that rabbit hole, let me return to my original train of thought here...

I was browsing through the newspaper with my morning coffee; cigarette in hand and my beloved Lucy Dog laying at my feet. I was trying to find something to rattle my nerves and give me an idea of what to write about that day for the blog...but nothing seemed to be lighting the fires. It was a rather bland day of news, and I was getting agitated that I couldn't come up with something to bitch about. That's when I stumbled upon an editorial about the excitement and possibilities of streaming services. I was aghast at the notion of it.

As a child of the 80's and 90's, I had very fond memories of our family trips to the video store to pick out our weekend entertainment. The pizza order would be called in, we would hop in the car and stop at the local video store and pick out two or three movies while the round circle of happiness finished cooking. Dad would pick out one of his "classics", my sister Debbie would get the latest teenybopper flick, and I would usually get some science fiction thriller.

Mom would set up the living room with the tv trays, she would pop the popcorn...scour the cabinets for candy or any other treat she could find for dessert. The tape would be sucked into the VCR and the lights would be dimmed. We would repeat the same process the next night...maybe this time it was Chinese takeout, perhaps some Roy Rogers! (Oh, Roy, we miss you and your delicious roast beef sandwiches so much! We now have to limp to the barn with some Arby's pile of "meat" on a soggy bun) Oh, but I dream of simpler times!

Fast forward a few years and the same process would be repeated with friends. If you were lucky, maybe a hot date! It was fun! The whole process and the thrill of it made the moment. Cruising around town with the one kid who turned 17 in his sophomore year for some odd reason...fuck it, we didn't care you failed the third grade twice! We had our own transportation! And did I hear, rated "R" movies anybody? Oh, hell yeah!

Sure, half the time the flick you picked was a dud...but then you laughed at how bad it was and spent the remainder of the night making fun of it, and the person who so foolishly picked it! So, yes, I finally found my agitation and began to write. This technology would eventually ruin us all. This whole act of getting together with family or friends or a member of the opposite sex and going out into public was in danger of becoming a thing of the past. People had already begun hiding behind their collective computer screens and forgetting what the big orange ball in the sky was, and this was pushing the battle lines even further.

I wrote a piece for my blog, and then an editorial for the newspaper. I was lambasted for both. I was called an old man yelling at clouds, a stick in the mud...I was told to get with the times. Yes, I was a lone Roman soldier stationed on Hadrian's Wall...left to fend for myself as everybody else bought in to the ease and wonder of being one click away from accessing any movie or show they could dream of.

One by one the video stores began to shutter. First the local mom and pops. Then the Hollywood videos. Blockbuster put up the good fight, but eventually Netflix did them in. Remember that? They would actually mail you the DVD? Oh yeah, the video tape had gone the way of the Dodo bird...my gosh, it all happened so quick! All the pizza and Chinese places all delivered now! Even the sketchy ones on the other side of the tracks. My lord, we had created a world where nobody left their houses any more. The Machine had begun to tighten its grip. Of course, Amazon didn't help.

Flashforward a decade or so and the war to keep us home and on our screens waged on. The battle lines redrawn, unabated, now it was whether or not to cut the cable cord. We were dazzled by streaming services, one after another. No commercials! Movies, and I mean every movie ever, at the touch of your fingertips. For pennies on the dollar, I could watch what I wanted to watch and not what TBS was limping to the barn with?! Okay, maybe I'm in. Maybe.

Then Disney Plus buys Star wars and launches their service. And oh, did I mention new Star wars shows and spinoffs? As far as the eye could see! For $7.99 a month? No commercials?! Okay, you broke me. Where do I sign up? But wait...Netflix and Hulu and HBO max and even Amazon are all doing the same? Okay, let me do the math, this is getting pricey. I could cut cord, but then I can't watch the Yanks or the NY Rangers. Shit, I'll have to keep both. Cable and Streaming. Fuck, they got me coming and going!

But wait, here comes the bundle packages. Brilliant! Now I can keep my cable for sports, and have my streaming services? And it's only an extra $25 smackers?! Okay, machine, you've got me bent over, I'm in like Flynt! And then it started to happen. One day when cuing up a movie for Friday movie night with the family, it started with a commercial. Huh, that's odd I thought. Then they added another at the end. Soon enough there was a commercial break in the middle. Let's all go to the lobby and have ourselves a snack?

It was at this moment in time, I started to rebuild my DVD collection. People were giving them away in earnest. If you went to a garage sale and they saw you looking, they would say, "you still collect DVD's? Take them all!" I don't even want money for them! The same story at Goodwill, Salvation Army and Habitat for Humanity. Shelves and shelves of them, 25 cents, 50 cents...buy ten get ten free! Much to the chagrin of the wife, another one of my various collections began to grow out of control.

I started with the classics, then the guilty pleasure movies...I had to buy shelves to store these things. Down to the basement to live alongside my Gi Joes, Transformers and Go-bots! People laughed, once again calling me the old man on the porch yelling at clouds, a stick in the mud...you name it. But that's when I got the last laugh. Not only did the streaming services fool us all and start airing endless commercials every seven minutes (that's right, I timed it, every seven fucking minutes!), they started to edit some of the old movies. Just like cable television once did to make films suitable for all audiences and trim content for time...yup, the machine got us by the balls once again!

Except, that is, for me and my family. Yes, every weekend, or when we're tired of watching the same shit they recycle on loop...we make a trip to the basement. We travel back to a simpler time, we pick out out a dvd, pop some popcorn, get a pizza and dim the lights. Movie night at the DeGraw residence. Come join us if you dare...there are no commercials and the scenes are not cut or edited for time.

So, did I tell you about my CD and Record collection?! Or the five stereo systems out in the garage that somebody was just throwing out? No?! Come on over, get out of your house, pull up a seat and let me tell you a tale! Just wear a pair of sunglasses, the bright orange ball in the sky is tough to look at when you haven't seen it in 20 years.

Now where the hell did I leave my copy of Krull?!