Life Behind Bars Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Life of the Party

I guess I always pictured tending bar as throwing a party every night and getting paid for it.  Quite frankly, other than being a professional athlete or an adult film star, I can’t think of a better way to make a living.  In its purest, most simple form, bartending is exactly that; being the life of the party. 

To be behind the bar is to be on stage, and no matter how rough a day you are having, or how hung over you may be, to make money you have to play the part.  Even if your party guests just happen to be the most despicable lowlifes you have ever encountered.  Because remember this, you work for tips.  So if the customer doesn’t like you for whatever reason, you aren’t making shit. Service with a smile, the customer is always right...yada yada yada.

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Uncle Ray's Tricks of the Trade

It's inevitable that you will be inspected by the Health Department. This is a good thing, as I've worked in some disgusting places. Since this is a government run operation, they brilliantly manage to come the same week every year...give or take a day. So make sure you mark it on the calendar and do your spring cleaning before they come to give you the white glove treatment. Pick up all that broken glass, dried up fruit and rat droppings you've been staring at for a year...but remember to leave something small for them to find. If the bar is too clean they will start to to dig a little too deep, and trust me, that's the last thing you need!

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My first customers were my friends.  The barn in the backyard which we had converted into our little personal night club was expanding at an exponential rate.  Murmurs and rumors abound in the high school about an underage speakeasy flowed as fast as a wild keg.  What started as a group of five soon ballooned to 10 and then 20 kids; my first set of regulars. We were having the time of our lives, but there just wasn’t enough room.  It was time to expand. Poorly guarded construction sites and a little know how from woodshop class and we quadrupled the size of the place.

This was also the time of the great “microbrew” revolution.  You millennial types call them craft brews now…but we were the first to experience beer other than Bud, Coors and Miller.  It was also a time when home brewing was becoming all the rage, and we quickly learned it was not illegal to buy the ingredients to make beer or to brew it.  We had found our loophole for supplying beer underage. We brewed as often as we could so we wouldn't have to do the "Hey Mister" dance outside of the liquor store every weekend.

We operated for almost eight years until age and time took its toll and we all went our separate ways.  The barn still stands in my mother’s backyard as a monument to teenage innocence, innovation and a determination to be the life of the party.  This is what I envisioned bartending to be.  These thoughts were only proven true when I first began my career.  As a reception hall bartender, I was constantly around happy people.  Weddings, reunions, holiday parties, office parties…it was all about having a good time.

Even when I eventually landed my first real gig working in a small neighborhood Irish Pub, it was only the same.  I had yet to see the true world that exists in the barrooms across the country.  I was working Friday and Saturday nights, the time when most of the regulars either stay home or hide away in the corners.  It’s the weekenders that are out.  The families, the single young go-getters, the extroverts.  These are the people taking a quick break from their normal lives to go out for a night on the town after a long week in the trenches.

I'll give you young bartenders out there a dire warning…these are not your everyday customers.  These are not the guys and gals you are going to see day in and day out sitting in your barstools.  I never in a million years would have imagined the world that Cheers had portrayed wasn’t true at all.  The party ends Saturday night at lights out.  It’s Sunday through Thursday where you have to really earn your dollars.

This is when the “miserables” come out.  The lonely types, the introverts, the angry, the bigoted, the racists, the conservative blowhards, the sexists, the drunks…you will get an education quicker than you can pour a vodka tonic.  The world is full of horrible assholes, and this is where you are going to meet them.

Paul McCartney and John Lennon once collaborated on the song Eleanor Rigby in which the lyrics ask, “all the lonely people, where do they all come from?” It’s a fair question, especially for two young lads from Liverpool making millions of dollars.  Not to mention they pretty much had the pick of the litter when it came to women.  That being said, even as a young kid, I would always ask the same question.  

I was an extrovert, I liked everybody and never discriminated.  In school I played sports, but I also hung out with the kids in the band.  I was the guy who would purposely pick the worst kids in gym class because I couldn’t stand to see them picked last every time.  I wanted to spare them the embarrassment of the situation.  It never made sense to me how people could be lonely, I always had people around me and never begged for companionship.  I didn’t realize that what had come naturally to me was painfully difficult for others.

It was only after tending bar for a few years that I began to realize there were some really sad and lonely people out there in the world.  For most of them, they had a choice of sitting in front of their television screens with a Hungry Man dinner every night or coming out to the bar with the grim hope that they would find somebody to talk to.  Problem was, their introverted nature prevented them from doing that, even in a crowded room full of people, which is why they generally looked to me for friendship and guidance. Poor souls!

They say that a bartender is more than just a person who serves drinks.  They are go-to people.  We know the best contractors, the best plumbers and the best electricians.  Need a good tree guy? I got one of those too!  Bartenders too, are generally jacks of all trades.  We know how to do just about everything. 

It’s a certain skill set one must possess in order to successfully run and maintain a bar…it commands a multitasker and quick problem solver.  But the most important thing is listening and delivering the best advice you possibly can.  Because generally speaking, a person can go to a liquor store, spend 10 bucks or less and be able to go home and get loaded.  They don’t have to spend 50 to a 100 dollars to get a good buzz on.  They want to come and talk to you. They are paying for atmosphere, companionship and entertainment.

I’ve given advice on work, relationships, marriage…shit, I’ve even talked a person or two out of killing themselves.  And you know, sometimes people didn’t even want any advice, they just wanted to hear me talk and tell stories.  As a happily married man with two kids and a fixer-upper house, people used to love to hear me chat about the triumphs, disasters and the general ups and downs of a person who leads a relatively normal life.

It was as if they wanted to live vicariously through me and experience my life.  It literally was like I was a television show and they came in every day to see what was going to happen next. I had become Sam Malone. The other bartender was coach. The waitresses were Carla and Diane. I really did feel like I was on a television show, because some of the shit we had to deal with was just too good to be true. It was so insane at times it was as if it had to be scripted. There was no way any of this shit was real.

This is why, no matter what, you always have to be on top of your game.  A person can go anywhere for a beer or a burger, and they certainly can just stay home and accomplish getting drunk and eating at a fraction of the cost.  You are an entertainer and don’t forget it.  Which brings me to my list of everyday customers.

Every bar you ever tend will always have the same exact cast of characters.  I began to notice this after working in a few different joints.  Every bar was the same, no matter what the theme or demographic was.  From your professor know-it-alls, to your conservative douchebags, to your armchair managers…it never changed. But before I get into the meat and potatoes of each individual character, and there are many, I must discuss the ten different groups of people you will see on a daily basis.

The Divorcees

It doesn’t take too long in most cases to figure out why a person is divorced, that’s for damned sure.  These people are generally angry, bitter and pessimistic about everything.  They also tend to be very set in their ways, unwilling to budge on anything or compromise in any way.  Basically, they are people who work better being single, but out of pure loneliness and an instinctual drive to procreate and do what society “told them” to do, they foolishly got hitched.  Whether it was to the wrong person, or they got married too young or knocked somebody up…whatever the situation was.  

These people aren’t terrible to deal with, especially if you talk about how your wife is driving you crazy or you want to lock your kids up in the attic because they’re driving you nuts.  Anything like that will make them feel like they are not alone.  Speak their language, make fun of yourself, be sarcastic with them…and if they’re old timers, flirt with them.  It never hurts to flirt, just never let it go any further than that, otherwise, you too will be part of this group.

The Forever Singles

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride; always the usher, never the groom.  We all know people like this.  These types aren’t as easy to deal with because they have tried everything in their power to find somebody to be with, but just can’t seem to hit the ball out of the park when it comes to finding their true love.  Their anger at a lifetime of continued failure makes them more and more isolated and angry at the world.  They scoff at government, popular culture and they hate pretty much anything that brings joy to others.

Generally, they tend to be extraordinarily hard core conservative types who blame all the world’s problems on liberals, minorities and immigrants.  I do not like these people one bit.  They tend to be mostly men, who are also very misogynistic chauvinist pigs.  Unfortunately, there are more of these people in the bar than any other type.  And if you don’t reign them in immediately, they will know they have a place to spew their hatred and villainy.  It was this type of customer that eventually drove me out of the business.  

The tricky part about dealing with these types is that they tip extraordinarily well, which unfortunately makes you turn a blind eye at times, especially on slow days.  Any port in a storm, as they say.  I won’t lie to you, there have been many a time in my career that I pretended to be a lot of things in order to work a good tip. 

I’ve been a Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Tea party asshole and even a he-man woman hater to get a tip. Sometimes you just have to play the part. Afterall, I got bills to pay too. If it was me and one or two guys and I needed to get a 20% tip to make my day, I could put on a good act or at least play along.  I’m not proud of that by any means, but when the mortgage is due sometimes you have to do the ugly to make ends meet.  Misery loves company, that’s for damned sure.

Married and Miserable

With all the angry divorces and aging singles out there, there are also the married and miserable types.  These are the guys and gals who just can’t go straight home after a long day of work.  I personally couldn’t wait to get home to see my wife and kids...and to just be home on my own couch. Work, for me, was just a means to pay the bills and if I didn’t have to slave eight hours a day and 40 plus hours a week I certainly wouldn’t…at least not full time anyway.

I’m a homebody and a family man and there is no place I’d rather be than my own abode.  But man, oh man, there are some folks out there that will do just about anything to avoid going home to the wife and kids. I would have people come in for lunch, happy hour and dinner all in the same day.  My bar was more their home, and my company and that of the other regulars was their family. 

I couldn’t fathom the scenario where I didn’t want to go home and be with my loved ones.  And quite frankly, if your marriage isn’t working, then do the honorable thing and get divorced.  It’s better for you, your significant other and for your kids.  Why put up the charade?  Especially if you prefer to be in a room full of divorced and single folks anyway?

Generally speaking, these people are pretty easy to deal with because overall, they are really happy to see you and feel more accepted in the bar than they do at home.  I can certainly understand the loneliness and bitterness of the divorced and the single people, but I found it kind of selfish that these people had everything they ever asked for but still asked for more, or weren’t happy with the cards they were dealt. 

Marriage takes work and persistence, it’s not going to be like it is in the movies where everybody lives happily ever after and stays madly in love and in lust forever.  It’s a job like any other, suck it up and work at it.  If you put as much time and effort into your marriage as you did sneaking your way in and out of bars all day, you would be much happier at home to begin with!  You might actually remember why you fell in love with your spouse in the first place.  Novel concept, I suggest you all try it.

The Widows and Widowers

I always felt the worst for those who had lost their spouse.  I can’t imagine anything lonelier or out of your control than losing the love of your life.  Maybe because I lived through it when my father died.  I was 11, my mom was only 46. My three oldest sisters had already moved out of the house and were married off.   My sister Debbie was off to school, so basically we went from having seven people in the house to just mom and I.  I won’t lie to you, it sucked.

These poor souls would come every day, passing the time as they slowly ran the clock out.  I always made great friends with these types and went above and beyond the call of duty when taking care of them.  It was of no fault of their own that they lost their loved ones, or had slipped into old age in the blink of an eye.  Their children had grown and moved on and started families of their own, often living in different states to be seen on holidays only.

With nothing left to contribute to society, other than being a consumer or a teacher to pass on sage advice, there was an emptiness you could always feel when you looked into their eyes.  They knew their time was up, they had accomplished what they could, and had experienced all that life had to offer.  The small solace they did find in their day was sitting in the bar stool and watching somebody like me trying to figure it all out.

It was often that these old-timers would get me gifts on Christmas, leave a big birthday tip, or donate their tools to me since they no longer had any use for them.  Quite frankly, I don’t think I would have been able to fix up my old home as fast as I did if it wasn’t for their donations to the cause. 

There were soo many of them, from a 99-year-old Mrs. Elaine who wanted nothing more than a gigolo for her birthday, to old man Al who flew a B-17 bomber in World War II, to Tom the engineer who meticulously ate his salad one leaf at a time, to Mr. Mills who would tell the dirtiest of the dirtiest jokes to make my day.  They were all my friends and they helped me get through a day filled with horrible awful assholes.  They’re all gone now, and I miss them all terribly, but I am richer in my life for having known them.

I always kind of hoped one of them would leave a little something in their wills for that young whippersnapper Ray behind the bar...but it never came to fruition. All is good though, just knowing them and being in their company was payment enough.

The Weary Traveler

There is nothing better than a warm meal and a comfortable seat and feeling welcome when you’re out of town.  From my days working in the hotel bar to the Irish pub, I’ve dealt with every type of traveler you can possibly imagine.  For the most part, they just want to end their day of sitting in meetings or working their asses off to get a nice juicy hamburger, a couple of cold brews and have somebody to talk to instead of going back to the hotel and sitting on the edge of their beds watching some crappy show on the television.

If you think some of your regulars tell you things you shouldn’t know about, this group is tell-all.  They know they are never going to see you or anybody else ever again for the most part, so their true personalities come out, and sometimes not in a good way.  I’ve had numerous guys ask me where to get hookers, who were the loose women at the bar or where to score the best drugs.  The repeat traveler is even worse, often having a road girlfriend or boyfriend to keep them company while on extended stays.

This is one area that I refused to help in, not only because I didn’t know where to obtain these things, but because I believed in the institution of marriage.  Again, if you spent the time seducing your wife and not seeking hookers and blow whenever you are out and about, you might be a little happier in your marriage.  Again, novel concept.  

The crazy thing was, these people never believed me! How about a nice 40% tip if you send me in the right direction? I shit you not, you would be amazed at what people ask you late at night after the kitchen closes. I push pilsner people, not drugs...and I certainly ain't in the flesh trade. Go to the dive down the road, you might be able to find that sort of thing there.

The Alcoholics and Chemical Dependents

One of the side effects of serving what many would call a “legal drug” is that you’re going to have customers who have become chemically dependent on alcohol.  These people can be your absolute worst nightmare.  They’ve usually been kicked out of every area bar for causing trouble, or because their spouses have actually asked the restaurant to not serve them. That's the worst and incredibly awkward to say the least!

It’s really sad to see, especially when they come in as soon as you unlock the door.  Their hands are usually shaking, their skin is gray, their eyes sunken and they are extremely irritable.

They have no interest in chit-chat or eating food.  All they want is booze, and they want it as quickly as possible.  They often slam the first two or three drinks in a matter of minutes, if not seconds; it all depends on how fast you choose to serve them. 

After the drink takes effect, they become normal human beings again.  Almost like a light switch was turned back on. Some become relaxed and pleasant, and even may join you for lunch and a couple of more cocktails before returning to work or home.  Others become angry, belligerent and often begin to bother the other customers.  For the most part they will leave if you ask, but there are times when you have to call the police to have them removed, and thus they are kicked out of yet another bar.

Some deny their dependency, others accept it for what it is.  The latter of the two know the rules and follow them to the best of their ability, so that they are not asked to leave.  You usually see these types every day for a month or so, and then you never see them again.  Either they have been arrested for DWI, they have lost their jobs in the area or their wives or husbands have finally given up and kicked them out.  And, in the worst case scenarios, you read about them in the obituaries.  It’s a tough part of the business, but it exists, nonetheless.

The Lovers

It wasn’t all loneliness, depression and anger, don’t get me wrong.  There were also fun customers too, they were just few and far in-between (during the work week).  They are the young single go-getters out on the prowl.  They are the junior executives, the rookie salesmen or the kids still in college looking to make it in this world.  They are optimistic and a little naïve, but who isn’t at that age? 

Just like the old timers like to hear me talk and figure out life, so did I when these kids came in.  Even a bartender needs a shoulder to lean on from time to time, and a young 20-something’s enthusiasm can be contagious.  The world hasn’t beaten them down yet.

Of course you have the young couples in love, who are about to make that grave mistake of marriage.  God bless them, they have no idea what they are getting into!  Just kidding, of course.  But in all seriousness, they always reminded me of myself and my wife when we were young and dating…dreamers looking off to the future, as the world was our oyster.  It’s the greatest time in life other than when you have kids and it’s quite nice to try and live vicariously through their positive energy.

On the other end you had the empty nesters who are rediscovering their love.  The kids are gone, the house is empty and paid off and they have a hell of a lot of time and money on their hands.  Some couples don’t survive this phase of their courtship, for once the kids are gone they discover that whatever they had in common dissipated decades ago, and it was the kids that provided the glue to the relationship.  But for the ones who do figure out how to love each other again, they are fun customers to have at the bar.  They prove that love can indeed last for decades, proving all the divorcees and the forever-single ass wipes wrong.

But with any positive, there is always a negative.  You have your cheaters and louses, out and about, fooling around behind their spouse’s backs.  Looking for the littlest, out of the way drinking hole where nobody will know them.  Dark Irish bars are a good place for this sort of activity and I served these jerks all the time. 

They normally came in on off hours, in-between the lunch rush and happy hour.  Often I would find myself alone with them, having to see them make out at the bar and talk sweet nothings to each other.  God, I hated that!  Often I would just go into clean-up mode and pay them no mind.  Still, nothing relieved the awkwardness of the situation until the happy hour crew came rolling in.

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Uncle Ray's Tricks of the Trade

A "sex on the beach" is comprised of equal parts vodka, Midori, Chambord and pineapple juice. The best way to remember this recipe is by using the phrase, "Virgin Men Can't Perform". It's always true and you'll never forget how to make the drink!

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The “Normals”

Despite the lowbrow dirt bags, cheaters, alcoholics and conservative blowhards trying to save the world one draft beer at a time, there were actually normal people at the bar too. Although rare and elusive, they did exist and these are the people some 20 years later that are still my friends.  Hardworking, honest and great people who started out as customers and became confidants and allies in a despicable world.

Some people come in to blow off steam, and have a few pops with friends instead of sitting in traffic.  Others need to escape from the office and take a mental break in order to be more productive when they are herded back into their cube.  I know that when I briefly worked with a noose around my neck, sitting in hours of traffic a day and trapped in a cube, I too needed that hour to get away. 

It’s often a good idea to show the other customers how great of a rapport you have with the normal folk, because they will get jealous of the time you are spending with them. It's funny how irritated the regulars will get when they see you talking to people who only pop in from time to time. They get real fidgety and uptight like a five-year-old trying to get your attention during a sporting event or your favorite show on television.

As the life of the party, it is your responsibility to control the behavior of customers at your bar.  If you let the lowbrow take over the conversation and the atmosphere at your place, fewer and fewer of the "normals" will come in because they won’t feel welcome.  That, my friend is the last thing you want.

If there is somebody who continually drags the group down as a whole, you must begin the slow arduous process of moving them out.  This means, no matter how great a tipper this person may be, you can’t give him or her an audience.  You must do the unthinkable and give them poor service.  And most importantly, you have to convince your boss that getting rid of a good paying customer is worth it. 

Being the life of the party isn’t easy, but if you want to be the best bartender you can be, it’s imperative you pull it off.  The world is full of assholes, it’s up to you to keep them at bay...and away from your bar.

The more "normals" you have at the bar, the better. It really makes life easy and your day a little less awful. Unfortunately, these folks are few and far between. We, in the restaurant business often talk about them with a little twinkle in our eye. Legendary, evasive beasts we often refer to as unicorns. We know you're out there, please visit us more often...please!