Storm's A Comin'!

January 22, 2026

I'll start off by saying I am not a huge fan of winter. I mean, who is? Sure, you get your occasional knucklehead who likes to break out his sweater collection and proclaim to the world just how much he prefers the icy cold tundra to a white sandy beach in the tropics...but putting that anomaly aside, most of us prefer warmer weather and greener pastures.

If I could figure out how to hibernate like a bear, I would. As a matter of fact, I would rather move to some godforsaken white trash trailer park in Florida with a Trump fanatic to my left and a gun toting NRA enthusiast to my right than be up north here when Old Man Winter laughs at me with another winter blast. And that is saying a lot, coming from a leftwing pinko commie such as myself!

But all kidding aside, I will admit to one thing...everybody loves that one big storm, even a self-proclaimed hater of winter such as myself. So, here we are, as the day gets closer, awaiting the updated numbers on the pending winter deluge. One weather model says four inches, another says two feet. How do you prepare for that? Well, I know one thing for sure...we better get the milk, bread and eggs! And for the love of all things holy, that handle of Smirnoff to warm the belly and fog the mind.

It should be a fun day on Sunday as we stare out the windows at the winter wonderland that befalls us. As the kids throw on their snow gear and have fun, the parents stare at the roof on the new gazebo and pray it doesn't collapse...shit, we just bought that thing! Oh, and what about that trampoline? Son of a bitch! Oh, my God! I'm going to be out there all day on Sunday. The kids won't have school on Monday, possibly Tuesday if that bastard weather man is right. They're going to drive me nuts!

I take it all back! I don't want that one big storm. I want the spring. I want a big pile of stinky mulch sitting in my driveway begging for me to replenish my gardens with the ground up leaves and sticks I worked so hard in the fall to clean up. Why don't I just leave them there and let nature mulch the gardens for me? Ah, the mysteries of life! I yearn for the little green helicopters falling from the mighty maple trees. I eagerly await the smell of gasoline and fresh cut grass. How about the inevitable bee stings as I accidentally run into yet another nest? Oh, that sounds grand!

Alright, Old Man Winter...let's see what you got! You may beat me down this weekend, but you won't break me! My French toast will give me strength. My vodka will give me courage! My cabin fever will give me endurance. My need to hide from the children will stave off the chills. And maybe, just maybe, I'll make a fort...because, why the hell not!? What was the point of this story again? My lord, I need to get out of the house more. And if that groundhog sees its shadow in a couple of weeks I'm going to lose my shit!

Ray's fortress of solitude