Yankee Pie

February 25, 2025

By Ray DeGraw

After taking a break from looking at pie charts and advanced analytics (a practice that has won them a total of zero world series titles since 2009) the Yankee organization has decided to focus on the more pressing issues of the organization. I know what you're thinking; have we finally found somebody to play third base? Have we found a way to dump the salaries of Giancarlo Stanton, Marcus Stroman and D.J. LeMahieu who will make a combined salary of 65,000,000 this season? No, no...there are certainly more pressing issues at hand!

Last week the Yanks made the bold and daring decision to allow their players to have facial hair. The news was huge, monumental even! So what groundbreaking decision from the head office can possibly top that?! What huge trade have they pulled off? What prize prospect have they hidden and plucked from the sugar fields of the Dominican Republic? What cornfed mid-westerner have they discovered playing beer league softball that has gone overlooked by the scouts, or has returned to the game after a long absence ala Roy Hobbs?

No, it's nothing like that, nothing like that at all. But this is a decision that will certainly put them over the top. It will make them a better more equipped team that will not only win them a pennant, but will enable them to top the dastardly Dodgers that made them look so foolish last October. The decision comes from the top brass, and it's bold. It's daring. It's savagely inventive and mind-numbingly brilliant.

The Yankees have announced that after losses during home games, they will no longer be playing Frank Sinatra's New York, New York. If only they had thought of this last year! Not only could we have soundly beaten those Dodgers of Los Angeles, but we probably could have kept Juan Soto...and for a hometown discount for sure!

Maybe now we can give Boone and Cashman 50 year extensions so they can continue to produce mediocre teams and embarrassing playoff defeats from beyond the grave! It's not as bold as allowing facial hair or not playing New York, New York after a loss, but it might just be the next big step from the Bronx Bombers that will bring us back to the promised land.

Keep up the good work!