Where Are You?

April 26, 2025

It amazes me how often I lose my damned phone, or for that matter, how often we all lose our phones. These stupid oppression devices are literally glued to our hands. And that goes for even me, a person who loathes the idea of their very existence. Yet, throughout the day we often ask our family members, our friends, our coworkers, "Have you seen my phone?"

How do they manage to meander off into the abyss? We check the usual places. In the couch cushions, in the car, next to the shitter, out on the patio...but no, it's nowhere to be seen. Are there little cellphone fairies grabbing them and hiding them in a vain attempt for us to reconnect with each other? Reconnect to the world right in front of us? The answer, yes, probably!

Whatever the reasons for losing our digital leashes, be it magical or mundane, there is that moment we have all faced. The moment where we just can't seem to find where it has gone. For a while, it's a bit liberating. You actually start paying attention to what's on the television. You pick up the dog's toy and start playing tug of war. You ask the kids if they want to go outside. You even start talking to your spouse. All mind bending stuff, really.

But then you feel that itch. What if somebody is trying to get a hold of me? What if the nitwit in the Whitehouse has done yet another outlandish thing? I need to know about it right away! What have I missed in the last 30 minutes of cellphone liberation? The world needs me to listen and listen good!

The inevitable question ensues, "would you like me to call your phone?"

"NO, NO, NO! That's giving up!," you lament. "I know it's here somewhere, it has to be."

Another check in the cushions is in store. Another look outside, another tear apart of the car, it has to be here. Check the shitter again, you spend half your day in there! It's now been an hour. You're itching like a heroin junky who needs a fix.

"Fine, call the damned thing."

You disappoint me! You have failed me! You tell yourself this under muted breath as the exhaustive search continues unabated. And then, like magic you hear the muted sounds of a faint ring. There you are my dear! Damnit, it was underneath this week's circulars right on the kitchen table. Hiding under the free copy of People Magazine that keeps showing up in my mailbox every week. I didn't order that? Why in the world does it keep coming? Although I do feel some strange need to read about that washed up star from the 80's that just wrote a cookbook.

Ahhhh, thank the good Lord, nobody texted me. Now let's see what I missed. The world is still holding on by a thread. The stock market is still flipping up and down. Your team still lost last night, and the coach's job is still in trouble. And yes, it's still going to rain later this afternoon. But damn, you're on top of it all now. You found your cellphone.

Don't ever run off like that again. I was lost without you baby! Now where's that People Magazine I saw earlier?

Now where do you think you're going! Get back here you! And where the hell are my glasses?!