Well I'll Be Damned!

March 6, 2025

A rainy spring and an unusual lack of landscapers has Gen Z and Millennials in a bind. An epidemic of shaggy lawns is spreading across suburbia like a disease. First time home buyers are dumbfounded as they begin to soak in the realization that lawns do not cut themselves, as previously assumed.

"When I grew up, the lawn was always cut and maintained," a perplexed Millennial mused as he scratched his forehead. "I mean, does it really grow like this every week? I know I hear machines outside my house once a week at like 10 in the morning, but I never bothered to look out the window to see what that noise was."

In a neighborhood across town, a Gen Z couple stood horrified in front of their newly acquired home staring at their gardens that flanked the right and left of their Belgium style staircase. Not knowing what had happened since purchasing the home, they contacted a local handyman for advice. When told that you have to pull out the weeds by hand and put fresh mulch on it every year in what he called "routine maintenance", the young couple was aghast.

"When we lived in our apartment, this sort of thing just got taken care of." One of the young homeowners was overheard saying. "Do you really mean I have to spend my weekends on my hands and knees pulling these things out by hand...that's barbaric!"

Rich white folk are not immune to this growing epidemic either. As the "mysterious" disappearance of landscapers continues, the situation is only predicted to worsen. There was a confirmed report of a group of men standing around a dusty red lawn mower found in a rotting shed in the McMansion side of town. The men, clothed in the latest threads, adorning their red Maga hats and drinking their morning Bloody Mary's were scratching their chins in unison as they postulated the proper way to start this mystery machine.

"I'm not a 100% sure how this thing works, but I've seen it done." One of the men was heard saying. "I remember seeing a landscaper one morning pour juice into it from the big red can, then pull this stringy thing. And then I think you just walk along with it...I think anyway, I was hungover from the pool party BBQ we had hosted the night before. The incredible noise being made by the caterer cleaning up and the landscapers starting their machines was dreadful. Woke me out of a deep sleep it did. Really unprofessional as I recall."

As the plight of the missing landscapers continues, plans from the Trump administration to replace them with white suburban teenagers has so far been largely unsuccessful. Turns out they have no idea how to start a lawnmower (I think that's what that red machine is called), or be able to successfully pull a weed out of a garden either. An emergency summit of old stuffy white dudes is hard at work trying to solve the issue. Unfortunately, the little brown guy who usually pours the brandy snifters was nowhere to be found.

"How the hell am I supposed to work without my morning jigger of brandy?," one of the cabinet members said. "This is intolerable!"

Honey, there's something wrong with the grass, I think it's broken!