The Bachelor?

April 17, 2025

An investigative reporter has uncovered the true reason Trump has doubled down on ridding the country of immigrants, both legal and illegal. In his latest scheme, he has offered "good" immigrants money to go back home to their native lands...even offering free plane flights. He has also sent his goon squads to irradicate any immigrant who has the audacity to not agree with him.

The reporter, who asked to remain anonymous, for fear of being deported himself got to the root of the issue when he found a top secret memo left in a bathroom stall at the Whitehouse. While carefully placed in a bin labeled, "to be shredded, please do not read, scout's honor" the reporter ignored the order as he needed something to keep himself occupied while nature called....repeatedly.

"The McDonald hashbrowns provided at the Whitehouse press breakfast where just not sitting well...and this was going to take a while," the reporter said. "I really wish Mickey D's would provide some fruit or yogurt or something on their menu like they used to. My digestive track can't take much more of this."

Apparently, the top secret memo, which was written and submitted by the Fox News Network was a pitch for a new reality show staring Donny Debt himself. The show, similar to the Bachelor on ABC, would feature recently divorced MAGA housewives vying to become the next first lady. The only issue, of course, was removing the current and third wife currently employed by the Trump corporation.

By using the new tactic by Ice which either pays you to leave with a free plane flight and parting gift basket, or the forceful removal of dissidents who disagree with the POTUS, Melania could be removed either way.

"She can go the easy way or the hard way," Department of Homeland Security's Stephen Miller said with a laugh. "It's either back home to Slovenia with a nice gift basket and a free first class flight, or she can go to El Salvador and be tortured with the rest of the immigrants who dared question our beloved tyrant king. Her choice really, I think that's fair and balanced."

Once the First Lady is out of the way, auditions will be held for 25 lovely ladies who will compete to become the most powerful woman on the planet. To make things ever more exciting, the final two ladies will make Donny's decision easy as they will duke it out on the UFC fight floor hosted by non other than Joe Rogan. Musical guests Kid Rock and Kayne West will provide the soundtrack for the new venture.

"I'm really excited about this!" Trump was overheard saying. "I was told that Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene are going to kickstart the first episode with a fight to the death. Boy, I really hope Lauren wins to be quite honest with you."

The show, if all goes right in the next few months, will air Fridays on the Fox News Network at 8pm Eastern time starting this fall. Fingers crossed!

Delicious, but deadly...if you know what I mean!