Safe and Secure

April 28, 2025

So last week, Kristi Noem, the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security was robbed. She was robbed while in a burger joint surrounded by family and a slew of secret service agents. Somehow, some way, her bag was taken from underneath her seat and not one person in the restaurant seemed to notice. Sucks really, nobody likes to have their purse snatched. I mean, I remember when I had my wallet stolen years ago and I only had half a dozen secret service agents watching me.

Now, all kidding aside, one has to wonder how this happened. Breathe it in, the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, surrounded by secret service agents, somehow managed to get robbed in plain sight, in a public restaurant and in broad daylight. Nice work! Did you all work together on this one? Seriously! These people running our government are as useless as tits on a bull.

Now why make such a big deal out of this? Well, let's look at what was taken. We'll start with the bag, a $1,200 dollar Gucci bag...something us normal hardworking folk usually have slung over our back shoulders. Then the wallet...a Louis Vuitton Clemence wallet, which averages about 500 smackers on the open market. And lest we forget the $3000 cash stuffed inside of it. Because why have a $1,200 dollar bag and a $500 dollar wallet if you can't stuff if with 3000 big ones? I mean, come on people, we're not going to come to the party with a credit card...those things are traceable.

"You spent how much at Capital Burger!? Musk will be on you like flies on shit! Oh, wait, you're a Republican, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Never mind."

There are some head scratchers with the rest of the inventory as well. Let's start with the blank checks...who carries blank checks with them? Is this Noem character my Aunt Millie paying for groceries at the Piggly Wiggly? Local bodega not taking debit cards these days? Restaurant cash only? Oh, and did I forget to mention she had her passport and DHS security badge in there as well. Jeez, was this her purse or was it her go-bag? Sounds to me like she was getting ready to leave Dodge! Wouldn't you if Trump was your boss?!

"One last juicy burger and I'm outta here suckas!"

So, in summary, approximately 5000 dollars sitting under her seat. Seems like the kind of bag I would be sitting on, not over. But who am I to make fun or to judge? I'm just a local landscaper with five blog subscribers. Small potatoes as Trump would call me! And he's right, as much as I hate to admit it. Fucker!

That being said, I would suggest seeing where she got that 3000 in cash. Maybe check her bank withdraws? Just seems odd carrying that much cash in Washington, D.C. of all places. Not the best of neighborhoods, even the Tyrant King himself would agree with me on that front. Interesting thing is, that's what we know she lost in this "robbery". I can't even fathom what they aren't telling us was in that bag! Oh, to be a fly on the wall in the restaurant that day. It must have been marvelous. You couldn't make this shit up if you tried.

Safe and secure. Oh, lordy lord!

Cash ONLY! Do not accept checks from Government Employees!!! NO EXCEPTIONS!