Not Today Jeffrey!

July 8th, 2025

Sorry Mr. Epstein, but we can not publish your book. As you look up from the burning inferno that is your eternal damnation for a lifetime of raping underage girls and also providing them to your cohorts, we feel that publication of such material would not be good for business. Yes, yes, we realize that your old partner in crime made it a campaign promise to release your full client list from your little black book...but you see, he didn't realize he was in it!

I mean, we all kind of knew he'd be in there. You were friends, bosom buddies for the longest of times. I guess he just thought you would keep his name off the ledger. I mean, his payments were up to date, right? What a kick in the knickers for the old Tyrant King. I wonder if you could get a good word into Satan and see if he can pull some strings and get him out of this little pickle of a jam he is currently in? Maybe just a red herring or two over the next couple of weeks so we can go through a few news cycles and forget all about this little nastiness.

It's been tough on the old Don lately. Sure, the stock market is doing gangbusters, but we all see the underlying numbers. And when we come home with a weekly grocery bill over $250 bucks and he tells us things are "almost too cheap since I took over the presidency" it makes us just a little agitated. Or a natural disaster in Texas that proved that things like weather research, advanced storm warning systems and agencies like FEMA are not pork spending, but necessary to keep society functioning. So pole numbers are starting to slip. Add all that to this feud with his ex-best pal Elon Musk and he's really bummed out. Poor fella!

That's what caught us all off guard when old Elon said the reason the Epstein list wasn't published was because the Combover King himself was indeed on it. Of course we all thought it was bluster from an old flame out for revenge...but now we're being told it never existed? Hmmmm. Every dipshit conspiracy theorist ass wipe out there was clamoring for this, to see what kind of dastardly Democrats were on there. Including the current Vice President who spent years barking at the Biden administration for its immediate release. Maybe we could finally nail that creep Clinton once and for all! Oh, Mr. Vance, why the sudden silence on the subject? Why after all that conspiracy theory bluster do you just accept the current United States Attorney General Pam Bondi's word for it when she says, "It never existed." Hmmmm.

And speaking of Mrs. Bondi, you wretched hack, where is the book? You said back in February that it was on your desk and you would release it immediately after you reviewed it. What happened? Where did it go? Did you leave it in the bathroom stall when you went to take a shit and are too embarrassed to admit it? Or is it what we all know? That not only are prominent members of the GOP on it, but so is your boss. The Teflon Don himself. What a scoop!

Keep draining that swamp. Seems to me you might need a few more pumps because whatever you're using now just ain't working!

Here it is! I found Epstein's Book! Oh shit! It's just full of Trump Taco recipes!