Make Your Own Damned Drink!

July 14, 2025

A few years ago the seltzers started to appear at BBQ's across the nation. It was an answer at how horrible beer had become. I know a lot of you folks out there love the IPA, but to me I might as well be drinking poison. Then there was the Imperial Stouts, Lambics and Ales...yes, they are tasty but at 10% alcohol and thicker than paint, pounding one of them during a pool party just doesn't quite mix. And don't even get me started with Sours...who the fuck thought that was a good idea? Yes, let's make a beer that is so sour that I might as well eat a lemon with it. Yes, I like beer, but I like my beer to taste like beer and not incapacitate me halfway through a six pack.

Reaching into the cooler had become a perilous journey, often with no winner in the bunch. Your hand seething in pain from keeping it elbow deep in the ice for too long. Sweat rolls down your forehead, your throat dry and parched...for God's sake can I just get a beer that tastes like beer that will help me choke down this overdone burger? Who cooked this monstrosity anyway? Sweet Georgia Brown can anybody do anything right any more?! Okay, let's not get off topic! I was talking about seltzers and the day I first came upon one. Yup, I remember it well...when by chance I fished the odd shaped can out of the bottom of the cooler. What is this? Vodka and seltzer with a hint of lemon. Why not?

Let's face it, they are tasty. They can quench your thirst, and forgive me Lord for saying this, pair well with a cheeseburger. Oh, how I hate myself for saying such things. Fast forward a few years and they have taken over the beer aisle. There are dozens of varieties, actually too many now. But sometimes, you just don't feel like having a beer. And in those times, there they are, glinting back at you from behind the refrigerator..."hey baby, take me home with you, I'll show you a good time!"

Now, with all this being said, the thing that irritates me the most is the price. I've seen four-packs go for upwards of 12 bucks, eight packs for 20 plus dollars. Really? It's just vodka, fruit juice and club soda people! Make it your damned selves. Get a bottle of Smirnoff for 10 bucks, two bottles of club soda at a buck each and whatever fruit juice you want. Fill a damned pint glass with ice, one shot vodka, a jigger of fruit juice and top it with club soda. It's the same damned thing! And get this, you can make 15 of them for a total of about a dollar each (if you purchase the 750 milliliter bottle of booze).

Take this slice of advice from you're old Uncle Ray, it's cheaper and tastier if you make them at home yourself. And your friends will think you're the bee's knees! Now stop being lazy fucks and make you're own drinks! I know it may seem like advanced chemistry for some you you Millennials and Gen Z types out there, who find it hard to microwave their own popcorn...but I'm telling you all, you can do this! Now go give it a try you knuckleheads. Cheers.

Take a half dozen of these and call me in the morning! Or more likely, the afternoon.