Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

March 5, 2025

By Ray DeGraw

I hear by decree that I will never wear a suit ever again! And no, it has nothing to do with the fiasco of an oval office meeting that took place earlier this week. Although that was pretty hilarious! By the way, did Kid Rock, Kayne West, Hulk Hogan, Elon Musk or any of those other nitwits that visit the Umpalumpa wear a suit? I'm asking really, I don't know the answer and didn't feel like wasting my time looking it up. Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked here; back to business! I will never wear a suit again. Why should I? Why do we torture ourselves wearing these things? It's insane! That’s it, I’ve had it, I’m done. 

I am tired of squeezing into these oppression devices every time somebody dies or gets married.  The best you are ever going to get out of me going forward is a pair of khakis and a golf shirt.  That’s it, done and done, and if you don’t like it you can shove it with walnuts!  Honestly, I blame the suit for my many failures in life. Sure, I hated siting in a cube and listening to corporate morons prattle on endlessly about hitting numbers and how the company can't afford raises or bonus this year, but to me it was the suit that did me in. I might as well have been wearing an orange jumpsuit, because that's how it made me feel. I mean, maybe, that's how they want you to feel when you come to work.

I've got a great idea of how to make our employees feel right at home here in the office. First, let's put on a ridiculously uncomfortable pair of shoes. Just thinking about the pain your feet will endure walking across the office to get a drink of water or take a piss will keep most right in their seats. Perfect! Next a pair of slacks that you can't put in the wash machine you have at home, no they have to be fucking dry cleaned. What even is that? Dry cleaned? Now, the ever so comfortable button up shirt. Um, hey, we've come a long way with garment technology, we don't need the buttons any more. Finally, the tie. A literal noose around your neck and for what? To hide the buttons?! Fuck that.

Having a black tie wedding you say?  Guess what?  You just saved me $500 bucks, cause I ain’t going!  Thanks!  Won't let me into the funeral home wearing a pair of jeans? Great, the last thing I wanted to do today was remind myself of my mortality and stare at a dead body in a room full of crying people. Dodged a bullet there! What's that? You don't want to hire me because I didn't dress for success? Piss off, I didn't want to work for you anyway. I'll take a hammer, a tool belt and fresh air any day over sitting in a cube for the rest of my existence.

And let me tell you something, this goes for the afterlife too.  You put me in a box for the rest of eternity wearing the most uncomfortable outfit mankind has devised since the chainmail suit of armor, then I will haunt you for the rest of your days.  I’m not kidding, I'll do it!  If you know what’s good for you, I better be wearing a ratty old pair of jeans, my favorite t-shirt, a fresh pair of socks and a kick ass pair of running shoes.  And don’t forget my baseball cap, I don’t want to get a sunburn from those pearly gates. That, my friends, is my decree.

And no, I will not be wearing the costume when the war is over.

Now that's more like it!