Happy Mother's Day

May 11, 2025

My father died when I was eleven. I was raised by my mother and my four sisters after that horrible, horrible day in June of 1989. As a result, I learned more about women than any man alive on this planet today. Maybe more than I ever wanted to know, or needed to know! Yes, they are a baffling mystery of all mysteries. An enigma wrapped in a question mark to a riddle nobody can answer. So yes, even I, the board certified expert on the fairer sex, am still learning with each day that passes.

So today, as we celebrate our moms, our wives, our sisters, our nieces and our friends...basically all the woman we know that are mothers...I would like to pass on some sage advice. Advice that can one day save your life...or failing that, a night in the doghouse. So if you want to live a long, happy and prosperous life, listen up and listen up good. There are two things you never mess with when it comes to a woman...

The first of course is the Tupperware. For the love of God, don't ever touch, look at, or even think of using the Tupperware. It's guaranteed for life you know! Never mind that you have uneaten food that could use a home in the fridge for a day or two, that's nonsense! Use one of the cheapo ones in the cupboard! Honestly, I don't think my mom ever actually used the Tupperware, it was there...just for looking at! Kept in a special cabinet out of reach and forbidden. Don't handle it, don't look at it, don't even breath on it! If you do, you're a dead man walking!

Next is the scissors. If you want to make it to retirement don't ever use a woman's scissors. I realize that men can get touchy with their tools too, even scold people if they are used improperly. But, you know, if a nail needs nailing you grab a hammer. If a screw needs tightening you grab a screwdriver! But when a piece of paper needs cutting, whatever you do, don't touch the scissors!

How are you going to cut that piece of paper? It's a problem that has dogged mankind for millennia. Your wife could be outside walking the dog two streets over, and somehow she knows. She could be overseas on a business trip and she gets a weird ringing in her ear. "I know somebody just cut something with my scissors, I know it! Who's using my scissors? What are you cutting? I know somebody used my scissors!"

Growing up my sisters and I had to sneak around the house every time we had to cut something. It could be terrifying. Every time the blades came to a close you would look over your shoulder to make sure mom wasn't lurking about. The sweat rolled down your forehead as you quietly made your way through the Oaktag paper needed for the school project that was due the next day, even though you had months to finish it.

Yes, you are almost there, just two more snips and you've made it with nobody being the wiser. Just think, you didn't even need the pinking shears for this one...thank the Lord, that would have taken some gumption to accomplish that heist! And then, just when you thought you were in the clear, you hear mom bellowing from the top of the stairs...

"What are you doing down there?"

"Nothing Mom, just homework."

"You're cutting paper with my good scissors, aren't you?!"

"No Mother! I'm watching dirty movies, drinking whiskey and smoking cigarettes...possibly playing with myself. But no paper cutting, that's for sure! I promise."

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful Mom's in my life. You're all nuts, but I love you! And just for today, I promise not to touch the Tupperware or the scissors. Well, a guideline more than a promise. But I'll give it my damnedest!

Easy, easy, you're almost there...