Danger!?

June 30, 2025

After years of study, it turns out that fireworks may be dangerous? At least that's what the news keeps telling me. For instance, if you hold a lit firework in your hand, it may very well explode! But that's what makes it fun...seeing who holds on the longest! Poppycock I say! If you place a bottle rocket in you teeth and ignite it, there's a good chance it may burn your face! Well how the hell am I supposed to aim it at the kids next door? A bottle? What fun is that?

What about sparklers you ask? It turns out the burning magnesium heats up to about 3000 degrees Fahrenheit...perfect for the kiddies to run around with on a hot summer night. What kind of Independence Day would it be without a third degree burn on the palm of your hand? It's a right of passage I tells ya! I think that's when I had my first shot of whiskey and beer chaser to dull the pain. I'll never forget that summer before Kindergarten started. Oh, the memories.

And what's with this bullshit warning I'm hearing all over the news that drinking and fireworks don't mix!? That's the only time you play with fireworks. What's next? Telling me that rum and firearms don't mix? I can't shoot straight unless I got a few in me. Well, I guess you powers that be have taken the fun out of everything! Now please excuse me as I have to go over state lines to buy my celebratory explosives.

Beer, check. Lighter, check. Explosives, check. Things to blow up in people's faces, check. I'm ready.