Beach Rules

August 20, 2025

Dear New Yorkers,

I realize in the big city, signs are merely suggestions. You move at your own pace and take direction as well as poorly trained dog, or an arrogant no-good cat. You walk around with little to no regard for anybody around you. Personal space? What in God's name is that?! Garbage can on every street corner...fuck that, I'm just throwing my trash right in the street! Somebody gets paid to clean it right? Walking and texting while crossing a busy intersection with cabbies driving at break neck speeds...no worries! Yes, somehow in your world you manage to miraculously survive day in and day out. But when you come down to the shore, leave the city behind you and pay fucking attention!

Every summer it seems to get worse and worse, as every Monday when we tune into the local news, we hear another poor soul has drowned at the beach. Senseless deaths, usually of young kids, for what usually ends up being people ignoring signs. If you see a red flag, stay out of the fucking water! If you see no lifeguards, stay out of the fucking water! You see those signs that say stay off the jetties? Stay off the fucking jetties! There is a reason for these warnings. Hey, a hurricane coming up the coast and waves are 12 feet high? Guess what? Stay out of the fucking water! My lord! Mother Nature is a cruel bitch and she will swallow you whole if you don't listen.

Hey, listen, if you still want to be a pushy city douchebag at the fish market, go for it. If you want to cut me in line for the Ferris Wheel after I've waited patiently for my turn...have at it. If you want to ignore your waitress while you bury your face in your stupid smart phone and hold up the entire restaurant because you just have to see what the Kardashians are up to, be my guest. But when there is a No Swimming sign on the beach, stay out of the fucking water! And for the love of all things holy, keep your kids out of the water.

This has been a public service announcement. Fucking morons.

Pretty simple.